“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan

. . . . . . . Soccer is an interesting sport when compared to American Football. Both have “football” in their names, but the squished ball of U.S. Football gets thrown around the gridiron while the soccer ball gets kicked … American Football is the quintessential U.S. sport, demonstrating why soccer will never make major inroads into the American market. The Americans love two things above all: youth and violence. The Texans celebrate high school football with a passion, and of course, where Texas goes, goes the nation.

. . . . . . . I live in Canada and hockey is the king of sports here. It’s a little hard to see that tiny puck on the screen — the fact that it’s a black circle against a white ice background helps, but not much. You pretty much have to follow where the sticks are moving on the TV screen …

. . . . . . . Basketball, of course, is the sport of giants. Seven feet players are the dream choice. Michael Jordan was only six foot six. Now, Shaquille O’Neal, he was seven feet one inch. A monster! Notice how quietly he speaks. It’s similar to boxer Mike Tyson. Truly violent or violent-looking men are almost compelled to speak like pussies to demonstrate their harmlessness to lesser, non-sports-playing mortals.

. . . . . . . Baseball is the country gentleman’s sport. It’s a leisurely game, played with at-bats that are so sedate you could easily fall asleep watching the spectacle. The names of the teams are pleasant, too: Red Sox. Orioles. Lots of twittering birds. Blue Jays.

. . . . . . . The referee is the one constant, whether it’s football, hockey or baseball. His is the Voice of God, thundering judgments down on the field. Sometimes it even takes skill to referee, as in hockey, when the refs have to strap on skates and follow the action yet stay out of the way and out of the fray. I’m surprised there isn’t more violence done against refs, but lawfully constituted authority often has that inviolate effect. One leg scythe from a hockey skate could slice open a ref’s throat, if a player was martial arts inclined and personally inclined.

. . . . . . . The Olympics exist as a means of putting your city on the global mental map. For a few years, everyone in the world has reserved a back seat of their mind to your municipality. This has benefits that go beyond the physical, like stadiums and housing for the athletes. A world-class reputation hangs around you like a city-sized gold medallion.

. . . . . . . Of all the sports, tennis is the closest to a duel we have. Wimbledon is a series of matches that climb like a ladder up the system. The final match is a head-to-head battle for racquetball supremacy. Federer and Borg are the greats of the sport here.

. . . . . . . And then there’s television.

. . . . . . . Television is what has made rich men out of a bunch of grown men playing kids’ games. Grown men are passionately devoted to their TV teams. I, Catxman, personally don’t think much of televised sports. It’s fun to play sports in real life, but watching them on the tube is a dry experience for me.

. . . . . . . I am not sure why this is. What is it about sport television that turns me off? I think part of the problem is the smallness of the screen. If sports were broadcast on a wall-sized television, then I might get interested. The other problem is sports needs music. The Olympics dabbles in songs, but only dabbles. Hockey games have the organ played from the heights of the arena. But none of them have really good music.

. . . . . . . Television needs music the way the Cradle pro blog has music boxes at the top of each entry. And then there’s the fact that it’s not life-and-death. The ultimate sport — and the way of the future — is life-or-death, killing gladiatorial matches. Gladiators mean business. Or hunting men, like in the movie Hard Target starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. In Hard Target a bunch of rich men, guided by a criminal lord, hunt down and kill unarmed men for fun. Using guns to go after men would be fun TV for sure. We long to see somebody die as the penalty for failing to win. It is only in the future that this dream can securely come true. Only in the future that the prizes and the penalties are commensurate for forcing us to watch the tube and tune into the spectacle …


2 thoughts on “Sports

    1. Hetty, you’re hurting my cybernetic feelings. Deep within my cyborg chassis beats a still-human heart, that, although it’s been encased in metal for eons now, can feel with the best of them. If you want to experience what it’s like to make love to a soldier of metal, come closer and I’ll rock your all-flesh puny world.

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